Thoughts for Friday – 23rd May 2014

susan-sontag

Many of my regular readers will no doubt be aware that I’ve spent most of the last couple of weeks moving into my new home and something that my sister said to me as we were shifting boxes here and there on ‘moving’ day has really stuck with me.

In a break in the shifting and moving of heavy boxes, my sister said she thought it a brave move for me to move out and live on my own for the first time in my life

“Why?” I asked her, genuinely confused by her statement.

“I couldn’t do it,” she replied with a rueful smile. “Live on my own, I mean.”

Maybe that’s the difference between my sister and I. Maybe she feels as if she needs the presence of another person in order to not feel lonely. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that, but it’s not the way I feel about my own life.

My childhood was tough and many times I would hide away in my room, keeping well away from the often vicious arguments between my parents. I daren’t leave the safe confines of my room for fear of the treatment I might receive myself.

Over time I learned to be happy with my own company and I think this is part of the reason why I feel compelled to be a writer; there are so many characters and voices in my head that I have more than enough folks around me to keep me company.

I hope that doesn’t make me sound like some sort of unhinged schizophrenic, but I’m sure other writers will know where I’m coming from when I say that the people in my head are usually all the company I need. I can dive straight into the world created in my imagination and then try my hardest to get something similar to the images in my mind’s eye down on the page.

My past has also made me wary of others and their intentions toward me. If someone who is supposed to love and care for you treats you with contempt, is cruel and vicious toward you, then how in the hell are you supposed to have the confidence to want to voluntarily put yourself out there in the world for all to see?

Perhaps that is part of the reason that I have spent most of my life hiding away, not feeling good enough to be accepted in the world as the person I am. Hiding away in my own space became an escape for me but I am finding that where I once found freedom, I am now being held hostage by my own fears of what may be out there for me.

I certainly wouldn’t class myself as a delinquent (not anymore, anyway…) but I would definitely label myself as a recluse of sorts. That’s why moving out on my own and accepting responsibility for all aspects of my life is such a huge step for me – it’s going to force me to get out there and meet other people.

Perhaps a writer is a recluse, one certainly needs a lot of time and solitude in order to create an output that would enable one to grow as a writer beyond it just being some sort of hobby for them. Yet I have hope that pushing myself from the safe confines of my own company will not only make me a stronger person, but a better writer, too.

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10 Comments

Filed under Thoughts for Friday

10 responses to “Thoughts for Friday – 23rd May 2014

  1. I think a lot of sensitive and creative people work out unhappy experiences and issues from their past through their art – be it in their writing, music or paintings. And often the inner life can be richer than what is experienced in the outside world. Your post reminded me of Mick Kelly, one of the characters in The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. Bright, gifted, full of promise, she often retreated to an ‘inner room’ because her outside life was drab and full of unhappiness. Unlike Kelly, however, your promise will be fulfilled and your life full of good things.

    Wonderful, heartfelt post, Heather. Thanks for sharing this with us – it isn’t easy to be so open. ❤

    • Thanks Kate! ❤

      I think I definitely use my past experiences as a tool for my writing and a way for me to work through some of my complex emotions. Thank you so much for such touching words of encouragement, I sure hope you're right that good things are just around the corner for me.

      It was my pleasure to share this with you all, I'm so glad that you enjoyed it ❤

  2. Me and my sister are complete opposites too. I am very independent and self-motivated, where as she needs someone to help her and hand-hold. It’s odd how siblings can be so different 😀 I think being a creative person does have a good amount to do with the way things are.

    • Despite growing up in same set of circumstances, it surprises me how different my sister and I are in our personalities and temperaments. My sister is a couple of years older than me and yet I have always been the one to lead rather than taking direction from her. I guess in her funny way she was trying to pay me a compliment 🙂

  3. I have a sister who has her own place now and a little boy to look after. She calls my mum more than once every day because she doesn’t like being on her own. When i moved out, my mum didn’t hear from me unless i wanted a roast dinner on a sunday! I have always been pretty dependent. I was 8 when my sister was born and had lots of brothers causing trouble and taking up my parent’s time. I retreat into my shell, and strangely, i hate being on my own too. I turn the tv on in a different room so there is background noise of voices. But I also know i am independent and can live on my own. You will begin to experience the same.

    • Thanks for reading and commenting, Naomi 🙂

      I think it has surprised both my mother and my sister that I’ve adapted well to living on my own but my childhood ingrained that self-sufficiency in me at a fairly young age. More often than not, I am quite happy in my own company and I think that changing my living arrangements and removing myself from a stressful environment will allow me the confidence to seek others out when I perhaps feel a little lonely.

  4. Oh Heather, we are kindred spirits. Love you and that sweet heart of yours. Congrats on the house! Can I come over for coffee yet? ♥♥

  5. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “Writing, and art in general, can really be a form of therapy.” I guess you can say it’s like an expression of the soul. Interesting that you found yourself just wanting to be alone. I found that I couldn’t handle being alone. For me, I wanted to be around people all the time. Now I’m very different. I love my alone time now. But then again, I’m a lot more secure in who I am and a lot more healthy holistically then I used to be, that’s for sure (22 years later 🙂 ).
    You go girl. Write and express and create your heart out.
    🙂

  6. That was funny and so real. Same thing happened to a friend of mine. When she told me he was taking nude photos of her–he had a studio setup–I warned her those photos could end up “exposing” her. Sure enough. Good story. Kill him? I’d torture him first. Well done. Lucy

    • Hi Lucy, thanks for stopping by 🙂

      Thankfully I’ve never put myself in the position of the poor unfortunate woman in this story. If it had happened to me I probably would have gone the torture then murder route with him….

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