Thoughts for Friday – 6th June 2014

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Where have the last six months gone?

It seems like only yesterday that we were celebrating Christmas and New Year, and now here we are halfway through 2014 already. It might just be me, but it seems as if the year has flown by. I guess when I take into account all of the changes that have happened in my life these past six months that time seems to have gone by quicker than it actually has.

In four and a half months from now I will turn another year older – usually a thought that deeply depresses me. Another year has slipped through my fingers and what have I accomplished?

Nothing.

You’ll probably know by now that the last six months have seen significant steps forward in both my writing and my life in general which has allowed me to see the glass half full instead of half empty all the time. When my birthday rolls around this year I’ll be able to look back on what I’ve done and actually feel as if I have achieved something meaningful. Moving out on my own, going for promotions at work, throwing my hat in the ring for every writing opportunity that comes my way – all of these things I’ve successfully done is no mean feat considering the nagging negative voices of my past that have threatened to pull me back at every available opportunity.

Therapists, past and present, have long nagged me to ‘love’ myself more. As is my nature, I used to make a lewd joke about masturbation every time the subject was raised (my therapists all knew that this was my way of making light of what I considered an uncomfortable topic). When you’re raised in an environment where there isn’t much love it makes it hard for me as an adult to love myself. If the people around me didn’t love me, how was I ever supposed to know how to love myself?

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I’ve found myself starting again with new therapists three times in the last twelve months and each time I’ve had to open up old wounds, spill my guts, and give voice to the horrible memories that I’d rather stay silent and hidden.

Each therapist has asked me what I do to help myself relax, the kinds of things I would do if I had a little ‘me’ time. Sad as it sounds, the only real hobby I could think of was writing. Seeing the correlation between my inability to express and come to terms with my own pain and my love of writing, each of them have pushed me to give voice to my emotions through the written word. It’s been painful at times, so painful that I’ve wanted to run and hide from the issues that I should be confronting head on.

So to every therapist who has ever pulled their hair out or kicked my ass during those sessions when I stubbornly refused to accept that my past had damaged me in so many ways, here I am taking your advice. I’m loving myself by owning my own story, showing everyone the real me and not apologizing for who I am or where I come from.

This is my story, read it if you wish or click to another page, but this is who I am and I will no longer apologize for myself, what I do or where I go.

This is me, my life, my story.

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22 Comments

Filed under Thoughts for Friday

22 responses to “Thoughts for Friday – 6th June 2014

  1. As a friend, I’ve been privileged to watch you take this journey, and I am tremendously proud of you! You’ve made such wonderful, positive changes in your life, and you’re deserving of all good things. About time you started believing it! ❀

    • Thanks Kate πŸ™‚

      Well, I’m nothing if not a stubborn son of a gun and it’s taken me a long time to get to this point. These steps forward couldn’t have been made without having you in my corner cheering me on and giving me the confidence to be able to change things for the better.

      Life has been good this past month, I’m hoping to build on the momentum and make even more positive steps forward πŸ™‚

  2. Here’s a vote of confidence from this side, Heather. Your blog, your own blog, this blog, is a great read. It is you, to us, moving in to a new place, new relationships, new therapists, new thoughts. Good job. You are on the right road here.

    • Thank you so much Mark, your words mean a great deal to me! ❀

      Life seems to have really opened up for me these past few months and for once, I'm starting to see the positives instead of the negatives in a given situation. It feels as if life is just beginning for me and I'm seeing things with new eyes and a completely different perspective on life.

      I hope you'll continue to enjoy my little journey of self-discovery. I hope that didn't sound too conceited, it wasn't my intention! πŸ™‚

      Thank for all your support, it means a great deal to me ❀

  3. I’ll tell you now, I am so very glad you write. Yours is one of my favorite blogs, and I always look forward to seeing what your mind has come up with each new story, each new post. Your creativity and intelligence abound, and they fill me up with enthusiasm and excitement to have gotten the chance to read them. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much for your kind words, Mark!

      I was rather concerned that my Friday post would come across as a bit arrogant or conceited and I scheduled it to post wondering if I’d done the right thing. The overwhelmingly positive response has certainly taken me by surprise and I feel as if I have a growing network of friends who’ve become quite the support network on here for me.

      Having the support of so many wonderful bloggers is a fantastic feeling and I am so glad that we’ve discovered each other’s blogs. I love coming to visit your blog and catching up on your wonderful poetry and short stories. I tend to be a little behind but I am slowly catching up with your more recent posts.

      Thanks so much for your support, Mark, it means a great deal to me ❀

  4. A really honest post πŸ™‚ I love your blog, and love to read what you have to say! All you can do is keep going forward, and I think deciding to accept what has gone is a good thing to do.

    • Thanks! πŸ™‚

      I wondered if I’d gone a bit too far with this post but the response to it so far has been very encouraging. I am most definitely putting your books on my ‘to be read’ list and I love visiting your blog and reading your posts.

      Thank you so much for your friendship and support, it means a great deal to me ❀

  5. I always think its just me when I think how quick weeks and months have gone this year. Glad to hear im not the only one. Its kind of scary. I feel i want to do so many things but i havent got enough time. Or i should have done certain things earlier. I dont know your backgroung because I have just found your blog but you should be proud of yourself and your achievements

    • Thank you, and thank you for stopping by to read and comment on my blog post, it’s very much appreciated πŸ™‚

      Man, if I could find a way to make another twelve hours in each day, I would!

      Time seems ti go much quicker the older you get and recent changes in my circumstances have really opened my eyes to all the things that are out there and that I was missing out on.

      I need to remember to keep looking ahead and moving away from the past. Life (hopefully) is for living.

      • You’re very welcome πŸ˜‰ your blog posts are really good to read!

        You are right! When we are kids we dont take any notice of time apart from looking forward to the next school holiday.
        I think after 25 time goes faster /personal experience lol /

        Its hard to move away from the past. I find it hard sometimes. I read a good quote somewhere “you cant start reading the next chapter of a book until you finished the previous one” i dont usually read these sort of quotes because i dont believe in them. But this one caught my eye so just keep going forward its worth it πŸ˜‰

      • I really like that quote!

        I remember when I was a kid that the school holidays seemed to last forever and yet the weeks pass so quickly the older you get. I agree that when you get past 25 that it’s a steep slope to middle age after that!

  6. All grown up and thriving…nothing better!! xxx

  7. Heather, reading your story so far is like reading my daughters thoughts and feelings. She has suffered the same circumstance as you. We also sought counseling for her early on, but because she had to tell her story to several therapists, reliving her horrific past over and over again, she has stopped all together. Unfortunately, she has no desire to seek help at this time. I’m considering forwarding your blog to her…maybe she will find a kindred spirit in you and seek the help she desperately needs. Keep writing as this definitely helps to heal the old wounds. I’ve done the same and it’s helped me tremendously.

    • Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I am so sorry to hear of your daughter’s troubles, I never want anyone to experience the same kinds of things that I did but unfortunately there are far too many people out there who have.

      I shall keep your daughter in my prayers and hope that she will find the closure she needs to move on from her past. It’s extremely difficult to do and takes a lot of soul searching but I simply cannot remain a prisoner to my past.

      Please feel free to pass my blog on to your daughter, perhaps knowing that she’s not alone would be of comfort to her.

      Much love and prayers,

      Heather ❀

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