Thank you once again to all the wonderful people who follow my blog and comment on my posts, your support has meant a great deal to me over the past few months. My Friday thoughts seem to have gone off rather at a tangent in the last few months and, at times, the journey to get to where I am now has been a tough one.
Many of you who regularly read my ‘Thoughts for Friday’ feature will know that the last couple of months have seen a lot of significant changes in my life, and all of them for the better.
For once in my life, I am feeling positive about the future and eager to see what it may hold for me. I am also much more content than I’ve ever been and happy with the way my life is going at the moment. There were dark times, not so long ago, when I wondered if that would ever be the case.
I am now in the final stages of my sessions with my therapist and much of what we’ve covered over the last few weeks concerns my lack of self-worth and confidence when it comes to all manner of social situations. Give me a room of old people any day and I’ll charm the pants off of them, but put me in room of people my age and I clamp up tighter than a duck’s ass in hunting season.
I’ve never felt as if I fit in all through my school years and into those of early adulthood. I spent so long trying to hide away that I’ve forgotten who it is that I am. I felt under the weather this week when I had my therapy session and so that might account for why I got a little upset when my therapist asked me why I feel so awkward when it comes to spending time with people my own age. The simple reason is that I feel as if I stick out like a sore thumb.
I’m 6 feet tall, have gangly arms and legs and feet that Coco the Clown would be proud of. My teeth could do with being a bit straighter and my eyebrows are thick and heavy. I never seem to be able to find the right kind of clothes to wear and if I go out socially, I end up feeling like an ugly sister in a room full of Cindarellas.
My comments in regard to my appearance are not some thinly-veiled attempt to make you feel sorry for me, far from it. I’ve learned these past few months that in order for me to attract others I first need to be able to like and accept myself. This is a massive step for me to take and something that isn’t going to happen overnight. I have to work hard at it, convincing myself that I am likable and that I can like myself – no matter how tall, ungainly or awkward I may feel.
To help me do this, my therapist has instructed me to write down two good things that happen to me each day and to bring them back to the next session so that we can discuss them. I am sure that my therapist feels that it would be easier to get blood out of a stone than get me to admit that something good might have happened in my life, yet I’m sure she enjoys the challenge of leading me around by my nose until I finally get what she’s been telling me all along…..
Many of the changes have been small, some so tiny that I didn’t even realise they were happening, but I have noticed that I am taking care of myself, being kinder to my body and mind and not forcing myself to stick to such rigid rules all the time. Over the past few weeks I have bought myself a number small things for no other reason than I wanted to treat myself – something unheard of six months ago. I’m agreeing to go out more with people my own age, putting myself in the kind of social situations that still make me want to curl up and hide away.
If admitting I needed help and moving out on my own were massive steps, then the next one is likely to be humungous. I need to take everything I’ve ever learned about myself, throw it out the window and set new beliefs about who I am.
To like myself – now that is an adventure into the unknown……