Thoughts for Friday – 18th July 2014

Thank you once again to all the wonderful people who follow my blog and comment on my posts, your support has meant a great deal to me over the past few months. My Friday thoughts seem to have gone off rather at a tangent in the last few months and, at times, the journey to get to where I am now has been a tough one.

Many of you who regularly read my ‘Thoughts for Friday’ feature will know that the last couple of months have seen a lot of significant changes in my life, and all of them for the better.

For once in my life, I am feeling positive about the future and eager to see what it may hold for me. I am also much more content than I’ve ever been and happy with the way my life is going at the moment. There were dark times, not so long ago, when I wondered if that would ever be the case.

I am now in the final stages of my sessions with my therapist and much of what we’ve covered over the last few weeks concerns my lack of self-worth and confidence when it comes to all manner of social situations. Give me a room of old people any day and I’ll charm the pants off of them, but put me in room of people my age and I clamp up tighter than a duck’s ass in hunting season.

I’ve never felt as if I fit in all through my school years and into those of early adulthood. I spent so long trying to hide away that I’ve forgotten who it is that I am. I felt under the weather this week when I had my therapy session and so that might account for why I got a little upset when my therapist asked me why I feel so awkward when it comes to spending time with people my own age. The simple reason is that I feel as if I stick out like a sore thumb.

I’m 6 feet tall, have gangly arms and legs and feet that Coco the Clown would be proud of. My teeth could do with being a bit straighter and my eyebrows are thick and heavy. I never seem to be able to find the right kind of clothes to wear and if I go out socially, I end up feeling like an ugly sister in a room full of Cindarellas.

My comments in regard to my appearance are not some thinly-veiled attempt to make you feel sorry for me, far from it. I’ve learned these past few months that in order for me to attract others I first need to be able to like and accept myself. This is a massive step for me to take and something that isn’t going to happen overnight. I have to work hard at it, convincing myself that I am likable and that I can like myself – no matter how tall, ungainly or awkward I may feel.

To help me do this, my therapist has instructed me to write down two good things that happen to me each day and to bring them back to the next session so that we can discuss them. I am sure that my therapist feels that it would be easier to get blood out of a stone than get me to admit that something good might have happened in my life, yet I’m sure she enjoys the challenge of leading me around by my nose until I finally get what she’s been telling me all along…..

Many of the changes have been small, some so tiny that I didn’t even realise they were happening, but I have noticed that I am taking care of myself, being kinder to my body and mind and not forcing myself to stick to such rigid rules all the time. Over the past few weeks I have bought myself a number small things for no other reason than I wanted to treat myself – something unheard of six months ago. I’m agreeing to go out more with people my own age, putting myself in the kind of social situations that still make me want to curl up and hide away.

If admitting I needed help and moving out on my own were massive steps, then the next one is likely to be humungous. I need to take everything I’ve ever learned about myself, throw it out the window and set new beliefs about who I am.

To like myself – now that is an adventure into the unknown……

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12 Comments

Filed under Thoughts for Friday

12 responses to “Thoughts for Friday – 18th July 2014

  1. Liking yourself and accepting how your are and how you look can really help improve your outlook πŸ™‚ I have yet to accomplish such a thing!

    But just remember, what you view as flaws, other people would pay a lot of money for! I am 5’3″ and would love to be super-model height of 6′ πŸ˜€

    • Lol, perhaps we could compromise and meet somewhere in the middle, maybe 5’8″ for instance? πŸ™‚

      I guess it’s true what they say, the grass always tends to be greener on the other side and we all want what others have and see our own appearance or vital statistics as flaws.

      I’m a work in progress but I painted my nails the other down. That’s progress, right? πŸ™‚

  2. Don’t forget, I have seen you, Ms. Costa, and you have a smile that can light up the darkest room. You’re aminated, funny and warm. You are as lovely on the outside as you are on the inside. You just need to believe it, my friend! ❀

  3. I can so closely relate to so much here. Chin up! I believe you’re making wonderful progress… And what’s important is that it’s progress YOU want

    • Thank you ❀

      Progress has been made these past few months but as anyone who knows me will tell you, I have never been the most patient of people. I feel like a racehorse waiting to be let out of the gate yet I'm scared of making a false start. I need to pace myself instead of haring toward the final furlong.

      Hey, get me with all the equine references! πŸ™‚

  4. You can do it, Heather. The social aspect is a breeze now that you’ve got the personal part down, my friend.

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