I know it’s been ages since I’ve written you a note and I apologise for not being in contact, but I wanted you to know that I’ve thought about you a lot this year. I promise that I’ve been a good girl, well, mostly anyway…. Maybe it’s best not to mention those posts I wrote about balls and rods, or the fact that I insinuated that Ken has no genitals and that Barbie is a raging nymphomaniac…
Yes, it’s probably best to just brush over those incidents and stick to the good things that have happened this year. I moved out into my first home and so far have managed to not kill or maim myself while being solely responsible for my own safety for the first time in my life. Okay, so there was the time that I nearly sliced the top of my left thumb off with a bread knife, and that time when I tried to move my fridge freezer on my own and ended up getting a smack in the cheekbone for my troubles. Then there was that time when, at my mother’s, I got my legs caught in the seat belt, fell into my mother knocking us both to the ground and falling on my head.
That must sound like a lot of mishaps, Santa, but lets take into account that I haven’t yet given myself food poisoning, burned myself (burning my forehead with my hair straighteners doesn’t count) or flooded the kitchen or bathroom.
Despite a few stumbles, I’ve kept my head down and focused on moving forward with my life instead of looking back and grumbling about what’s gone before. There have been a few blips, but my trajectory has been on an upwards curve these past twelve months and things are looking better for a brighter future, so it’s with that in mind that I’d like to ask you for a few things:
- My family have been through some tough times this year and, more than anything, I’d like them to have a Christmas full of love and happiness. Baby K is on the way, so please, please make sure she has a safe arrival. We can’t wait to see her and welcome her to the family.
- My mother has had a tougher year than most, yet she’s kept on going through it all. Whether she realises it or not, she’s stronger than she looks, but if you could see to it that life cuts her a few breaks next year I’d be forever grateful to you.
- Molly said she would like to have all of the beautiful Disney dresses in their collection, but would happily settle for a pair of Louboutins.
- Connor would like Spiderman for Christmas. Not a doll, the REAL thing. Failing that he’d make do with Captain America, Thor, or The Hulk. He’s willing to give up half of his bedroom to accommodate his new companion if needs be.
As for me, I’m pretty happy as I am, Santa. Although presents and all that Christmas stuff is nice, I’d much rather have my friends and family be happy and healthy. More than that, I want everyone who has no family to feel a little Christmas joy this year, so please make sure that you visit all the old folks with no families, those homeless and living on the streets, and the children who won’t even get one present this Christmas. I promise I’ll leave extra brandy by the Christmas tree for you and some honey-glazed carrots for your reindeer if you promise that you’ll do this for me.
I’ll sign off here as I’ve taken up enough of your time and I’m sure you have millions of letters just like this to read.
Have fun and safe travels, Santa!
Lots of love,
P.S. I know I said I didn’t want anything, but a three-book deal with a big publishing company would be great if you could swing it…