Tag Archives: naomi campbell

Thoughts for Friday – 3rd July 2015

hang-in-thereI rather left you all hanging at the end of last week’s Thoughts post, didn’t I?

How mean of me to tease you with my wares and then snatch them away at the last moment, but hey, I have to give you some sort of reason to come back each week…

After a trying week ‘up north’ (let’s be fair, anything north of Watford is considered to be northern England to me), I was able to enjoy a relaxing weekend at home, catching up with friends and family who had hoped their efforts the week previously would mean that they wouldn’t have to see me for a fortnight or so.

Batteries charged, makeup applied like war paint, I strode toward the new week like Naomi Campbell striking her assistant with a mobile phone. I had a target in my sights, I took aim and I was going to knock them dead in my local area with my delivery skills.

That had been my intention although I have to admit that it didn’t quite turn out that way.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good bit of banter with my delegates, but there is having a bit of fun and then there is just blatantly taking the piss. I tried to remain good natured throughout the first day, while wanting to wring some of the necks of a few choice delegates. Had I not kept my temper in check, I fear that Kate Loveton would once again be roped into helping me bury some bodies.

I had much the same group on the Tuesday and I’m not sure whether it was the free sweets and candies laid out on the tables or the fact that I had a small selection of children in adults clothing, but a section of the group were determined to push my buttons.

f39e65adb87bfa2bc769aac2cbb48d4aOne particular delegate kept interrupting me and I had to resort to bitchslapping her (metaphorically speaking, my manager frowns upon actually hitting people during training sessions) and all but shaming her in front of the rest of the group. She seemed to have taken on board that I wouldn’t take any more of her crap and was relatively quiet for the rest of the day.

I have to admit that by lunchtime some of the delegates were just being plain rude by returning from breaks when they felt like it and so I continued the session without them and refused to help them catch up. When I pointed out that our finishing time was dependant on people coming back from breaks on time, lo and behold, everyone arrived back from the afternoon break bang on time!

5c1110542c95ce5cb1ee6ed96fd468b0It’s hard work to remain calm and composed when some delegates seem to have no other reason for attending your sessions other than to get a rise out of you. All the while, you stand there taking it, smiling and not letting everyone see that you could quite happily garrotte the annoying shit who causes as much pain, misery and discomfort as a haemorrhoid on Christmas Day.

kirk-yelling-at-kahnThis is why after-session debriefs are always needed. These debriefs are the perfect opportunity to really let rip about some of the awful delegates you’ve had to put up with that week. My poor other half (and yes, I kept that very quiet!) listened intently as I stamped my feet and shouted obscenities about certain delegates and made disparaging remarks about everything from their hairstyles, dress sense, to which strange planet they came from and how quickly I could reintroduce them into the Earth’s orbit and far, far away from another of my training sessions.

After a couple of tough days what I really needed was a three and a half hour drive to Birmingham, battling some of the most idiotic and dangerous drivers that I have seen for some time. What was it about mid-afternoon on a Wednesday? Is it a special time of the week where you’re allowed to leave your common sense and driving skills at home?

Somehow I made it to my hotel in Birmingham, shaking slightly but still relatively in one piece. This week had been sent to try me, I knew that much for sure, but how much more would I be expected to take?

god-s-love-clipart-Love___Be_Mine_Vector_ClipartGod must have answered my prayers, for who should be on the reception desk but Jermaine, the hunk of burning love that my colleague and I fought over the last time we stayed at the hotel! I think Jermaine was being coy with me when he asked me if I’d stayed before and I answered him by saying that it was my third visit in six weeks.

“You just can’t stay away, can you?” he responded.

Oh, Jermaine, you sexy hunk. If only you knew…

I hadn’t just randomly driven up to Birmingham to see Jermaine, I was actually there for a specific reason which was to attend a Fire Theory ‘Train the Trainer’ course. I had imagined being trained by a fit and hunky fireman while I fanaticised about the size of his hose, but it actually turned out to be a retired, middle-aged fireman who sat and talked us through the theory of fire, how it starts etc.

210201_1Our trainer asked us what we knew about fire, to which I piped up, “Uh…it’s hot?” which definitely raised a few sniggers from my colleagues but probably didn’t win me any points with Mr ‘I Used to be a Fireman’ who looked at me like I was actually as stupid as I look.

I’d had a 300 mile round trip to be trained in the theory of fire, a lot of which I knew anyway, but at least I got a free lunch (sandwiches and crisps) and an opportunity to flirt with Jermaine again. Plus, I got to see my colleagues who joined the team at roughly the same time I did. I think they’ve realised by now that I have the biggest potty mouth out of all of us.

If I thought the week I’d just endured was challenging, nothing compared to the following week in London. Stay tuned to find out what happened next…



Filed under Thoughts for Friday

How to spend a lot of time (and money) not achieving very much….

Okay, so it’s been just under a week since I put the deposit down on my new home and what have I achieved so far? Well, not a lot it would seem.

My credit checks and references came through just fine and I had my moving date confirmed just a day after I went to the real estate agent and paid my deposit. I was busy with work the next couple of days which meant that I couldn’t really do that much in regard to my new home at that time.

“I’ll do it on Saturday,” I thought, like the bright spark I am, not realising that most of the companies I would need to ring to arrange certain elements were already closed for the bank holiday weekend and would not be open again until Tuesday 6th.

Because we don't like working our weekends...

Because we don’t like working weekends…

Well, I don't like working weekends either!

Well, I don’t like working weekends either!

Angered, and more than a little disappointed, I did what I could on Saturday including the following:

• Transferred enough money from a savings account to cover the expenditure of my move.
• Arranged and bought a TV license for my new home.
• Cancelled unnecessary direct debits and set up new ones

But that still leaves me with quite a bit to do. I still need to ring my phone line and broadband supplier to switch my account from one address to the other, arrange insurance etc.

I was surprised to find that I would need to take out my own insurance on my new place, mainly because the landlord also had insurance for the property, but I was advised that it was necessary for my contents and to cover me for any accidental damage to my flat while I live there.

Unfortunately, the insurance people are one of the companies that is now not open again until Tuesday which means I’ll have to put it off until then, although I am reassured by the thought that my flat will most likely be better insured than Beyonce’s buttocks by the time all the premiums both I as a tenant and my landlord himself will have to pay…..

Men, you can thank me later...

Men, you can thank me later…

I’ve also been begging, borrowing, and more often than not, stealing empty boxes and collecting old newspapers in preparation of collecting all of my belongings together for the move. I’ll mainly be taking old crockery and cutlery to begin with and gradually replace these when I have settled in my new place and my bank account has recovered from the near-fatal shock of all of my current moving expenditures.

I really need to take a look at my huge library of DVDs and books and decide on which ones I want to keep and which ones can be sold on or donated to charity shops. I won’t have as much space as I do in my current home which means that I can only take things that I really want to keep hold of. Unfortunately, I am worse than a homeless bag lady when it comes to throwing things away and I simply cannot bear the thought of parting with anything – case in point: I even keep old bubble-wrap and odd squares of wrapping paper in case I need them in the future….

Bag lady

I probably have more clothes than Naomi Campbell in at the height of catwalk season, so that needs to be addressed as well. I need to have a thorough sort out of what I need to keep and what should really be donated to charity. I have at least half a wardrobe of clothes that no longer fit me (they are too big, before you ask!) I need to sort those into piles of what to keep and what to get rid of.

I have a rough idea of the furniture that I’ll take with me i.e. my bed, sofa, computer desk, coffee table, bedside cabinet etc. I’ve arranged for a family friend to help transport these larger pieces a couple of days after my moving date (he wasn’t free until the weekend and being the cheapskate I am, I didn’t want to pay for a removals firm to help me).

On Monday 5th, I ordered my white goods and organised for them to be delivered on my moving date so that everything is ready for when my furniture is moved in on Saturday 17th and I will (hopefully) be good to go.I went to my local white goods outlet with a pretty firm idea of what I wanted (i.e. cheap and small); it took me less than ten minutes to locate the items that I wanted and so that left me with onerous task of flagging down a member of the shop staff to assist me in buying said items.

I’m sure we’ve all been there before, stood in the middle of a busy store, attempting to look as if you’re a serious paying customer and not just looking at fridge freezers, cookers and tumble dryers for the sake of wasting a bank holiday afternoon. I spent the next fifteen minutes or so waving my arms each time a member of the shop staff appeared to move their head in my direction. Honestly, all I needed was a couple of those weird little flag thingies and I reckon I could have quite easily landed a plane on a runway with all of that arm waving.

A bored-looking middle-aged man wandered over to me (he was a member of the shop staff before you ask, not some random middle-aged man whose eye I caught across a busy electrical store). Honestly, the man couldn’t have looked more disinterested if he’d tried. I mean, for God sake, I’m spending a fair whack of money in your store, the least you could do is look happy about it!

Okay, so he didn't look exactly like this, but I was hardly going to stop and ask to take his photo was I?

Okay, so he didn’t look exactly like this, but I was hardly going to stop and ask to take his photo was I?

About twenty minutes after arguing over the fact that I didn’t want to take out a warranty on my just-purchased goods, I eventually walked from the store triumphant, if with a severely damaged credit card balance to show for it. But hey, I’ve bought my white goods and arranged for them to be delivered on my moving day!

You'd be surprised at how often and quickly this actually happens

You’d be surprised at how often and quickly this actually happens…

Next on my list is to arrange that damn insurance and begin buying some of the smaller items on my list. It’s a case of ‘so far, so good’ but I am well aware that the best laid plans of mice and men, and all that…..

I’d like to think that I’ve approached the move with diligence and preparation but I am well aware that it could all fall apart in an instant and go horribly wrong. Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen…..


Filed under Silly Stuff